Once inside I realized
there was no way out
and I gave up
and I failed
(and the feeling you get when you are so overwhelmed with someone’s existence that you do not eat or sleep
started to fade)
and now I do not know
how to go about
finding it again,
like holding ink in
your hand while
you’re missing the pen.
I sometimes lie, too,
though.

Last night I went to someone’s house
to smoke
because we were out in the woods
at first
and then
we had to leave them
because there was a baby present.

He made himself a drink
and then offered me one.
Of course I accepted the offer.
Free alcohol.

After the first drink
(gin, tequila, vermouth, club soda, lime juice)
I remembered
my interview the next day

and hated myself
for blindly
asking for a drink
that would get me drunk.

He put the mix into a former
juice container
for me
for later.

Tonight will consist of
drinking that awful mixture
(most likely by myself)
and wandering around in the dark
taking pictures and maybe writing things
and wondering what you’re doing
over there. I couldn’t